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Below Deck Power Rankings, Week 7.3: Just, It's Pathetic

Abbi has a crisis of confidence; a guest has a crisis of drunkenness; Kevin... has crises.
  • Kevin Dobson in Below Deck (Bravo)
    Kevin Dobson in Below Deck (Bravo)

    The only thing better than a new episode of Below Deck on Monday nights is Sarah D Bunting's Tuesday morning power rankings. Click here for previous Below Deck power rankings.

    Below Deck S07, E03: "Weekend At Brandy's"

    Chef Kevin's battles with the interior crew continue: he's nonstop hectic about prompt service, acts like nobody else understands the value of hot food, and has Kate dragged out of bed even though none of the guests has complained about the timing of anything. They don't even complain when his "seafood extravaganza" is only one of those things.

    Granted, almost everyone on this charter is far too drunk to clock trivia like canned crab, separated mimosas, or what time it is. The Notorious B.R.A.N.D.Y. is the most egregiously wasted -- she legitimately doesn't seem to know where she is much of the time, missing meals entirely and passing out in random spots on the boat -- but she's not the one who takes a quick champagne nap on a side deck. Nor is she the one grab-assing Captain Lee.

    But Brandy IS the one who spends a hot, humid Thailand morning and midday drinking, then is so altered by heat and booze that she has to be hauled off the beach in a kayak, and we won't know until next week how it turns out for her (but we can assume Bravo wouldn't air what amounts to a wine-soaked snuff film). We'll also have to wait to find out whether Abbi masters her radio.

    Who's a tower of oysters and who's just a shell? Your Episode 3 power rankings...

    1. Captain Lee. You'd expect Captain Lee of all people to give it to handsy guests sugar-free: he's married, he's trying to drive a giant boat, anything that would get the grabby guests out of his personal space with their "Zeus of the sea" comments. Maybe he's distracted by Abbi's increasing flakiness? I was gratified that somebody in a position to know agreed with me about her putting her hair up. [Last week: 1]

    2. Kate. I don't disagree with her contention that, for Kevin, "'service' is code for 'attention.'" I'm also not sure meeting his high-strung spinning with sarcasm is the way to solve their communication problems, or that Kate should have narced on him to Captain Lee so quickly. But a two-second shot of her in bed, watching some YouTube nonsense and eating some kind of dip from the can, was so very relatable. [Last week: 2]

    3. Ashton. Acknowledges in a talking-head that Abbi needs to focus, but takes just the right approach when she's having her Cigarette Of Self-Doubt, telling her not to be afraid to mess up: "We're crew and we support each other." [Last week: 4]

    4. Courtney. Ashton tries -- clunkily, so I suspect it's at production's behest -- to soften her up with small talk, and she's friendly, but not all that forthcoming. She does say that she's working fine alongside Kate (for now) (my parenthetical, not hers), and drops some withering wisdom about the quintessential seafood extravaganza, which she eats "bi-weekly? So I know what it is." Anyone who also takes a shrimp ziggurat super-seriously can come sit next to me. With some cocktail sauce. [Last week: 8]

    5. Tanner. Encouraging to Abbi; takes charge when Brandy needs cool-down measures taken; and not one cougar comment! [Last week: 7]

    6. Simone. She also needs to put her hair up, not for nothing -- the one aspect of her service game Kevin didn't harp on. It's hard to tell whether Simone is actually moving at a casual pace while Kevin is melting down about the primary guest's breakfast meat (not a euphemism) or the editing just makes it look that way, but her point that the guests haven't objected is well taken. [Last week: 3]

    7. Brian. Other than helping Ashton dislodge the tinder at low tide, he doesn't get up to much this week...which is generally a boon to one's ranking in this context, heh. [Last week: 9]

    8. Abbi. The radio follies continue; this time, she's basically sitting on the key button on her radio, which puts the rest of the boat in radio silence. She also has to take a note about putting her hair up, which is overdue but which sets off a series of doleful "I've worked on X boats and I never had to Y" interviews. What it comes down to is what Abbi sighs in a voice-over: "I love to sail -- and this is not sailing." Well, no, but let's not have an identity crisis over safety and equipment hiccups. [Last week: 5]

    9. Kevin. Again: once he's made the food, he needs to relinquish responsibility for it to the service team. Instead, his incessant huffing and nagging makes interior less likely to try to make him look good. Eyes on your own paper, Kevin! Start with the paper that reads "seafood extravaganza," because counting on these sloppies to catch their own dinner, then cobbling together a dinner from frozens, canned goods, and the one meal's worth of fish you did think to order is...not that. Not every set of guests will get drunk enough to let him get by with that. At least he apologized to Simone, if only to keep the peace. [Last week: 10]

    10. The guests. Fondling Captain Lee, falling down drunk...it's well beyond vulgar and into frightening territory, particularly Brandy, who has had so much to drink so continuously that she may be having a neurological event of some sort. Her fellow guests' "whatever, she did this to herself" attitude when she's portaged off the beach, bright red and babbling, is also terrifying. [Last week: 6]

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    Sarah D. Bunting co-founded Television Without Pity, and her work has appeared in Glamour and New York, and on MSNBC, NPR's Monkey See blog, MLB.com, and Yahoo!. Find her at her true-crime newsletter, Best Evidence, and on TV podcasts Extra Hot Great and Again With This.

    TOPICS: Below Deck, Bravo, Lee Rosbach