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Chelsea Handler Suggests Ways to Legislate Men's Bodies on Kimmel

"Any time a man asks a woman to smile, he loses three teeth."
  • Chelsea Handler appeared as the guest host on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Monday night and dove right into the biggest topic of the day: the demise of Roe v. Wade.

    "I will be here all week long — or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk," Handler said at the top of her monologue. "Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the f*ck he wants with his body."

    Handler turned her attention to the Supreme Court, saying, "Friday’s decision has made me a very strong advocate of the pull out method — which is when you pull Clarence Thomas out of the Supreme Court."

    She then noted that Thomas' wife Ginni praised MAGA supporters on January 6 and even attended the "Stop the Steal" rally that day.

    "She was working behind the scenes to overturn a democratic election," said Handler. "Isn't it so beautiful when two disgusting and awful people find each other? They are the ultimate abuse-of-power couple."

    "Three of the judges who voted to overturn the ruling were appointed by a man with over a dozen sexual assault allegations," Handled added, "Who lost the popular vote twice, was impeached twice, and attempted a coup because he's a little fat big baby loser."

    Handler ended her monologue with a list of ways men could legislate their bodies in the wake of the Supreme Court's decision.

    "From now on: No more vasectomies," said Handler. "If you want to stop having children, tie your penis in a knot. And if you can't tie your penis in a knot, you’re not a real man anyway."

    Handler continued, "If you get a woman pregnant, you have to wear a leech on your scrotum for up to nine months and then breastfeed it."

    "Any time a man asks a woman to smile, he loses three teeth," she added. "And lastly, white men don't get to vote for the next 150 years."

    Jimmy Kimmel Live! airs weeknights at 11:35 PM ET on ABC.

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    Deena ElGenaidi's writing has been featured in Nylon, MTV News, Insider, The AV Club, and more. You can follow her on Twitter @deenaelg.

    TOPICS: Chelsea Handler, ABC, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, abortion, Roe v. Wade, U.S. Supreme Court