Join us every Thursday morning for Sarah D. Bunting's Real Housewives of New Jersey Power Rankings, wherein she ranks the RHONJ women (and their families) based on the events of last night's episode. Click here to view earlier RHONJ power rankings.
S10, E06: "Bay Breezes and Bad News"
Given the franchise's track record with out-of-town jaunts, It's somewhat surprising that the last night of the Jamaica trip is, if not peaceful, then at least fun -- no drinks thrown, no feelings hurt, no early flights taken alone in a fit of pique. Even an appearance (...ish) by Danielle is more raucously gossipy than divisive.
So something else will have to draw the remainder of the season's battle lines, and while Joe Giudice's legal plight isn't a terribly likely candidate, it's... not good. His appeal is denied shortly after Teresa comes home, and there's no suspense here in the present about the outcome of that process, but it might set off ripples within the Jersey-verse.
If it's not that, perhaps it's the eating disorder the editing (and Jennifer) can't resist implying has reared its ugly head with Jackie again. I hope it's neither; I suspect it's both; maybe it's Danielle? We'll have to wait and see.
Until then, who's getting a kiss from a dolphin and who's drowning? Your Episode 6 power rankings...
1. Melissa. Melissa's continuing in Margaret-snark mode this week, laughing that she thinks Jennifer "literally dies for Teresa -- and Dolores" and that neither of those two is going to get roasted at dinner; later, she asks Teresa, "Are you gonna defend Danielle for life, I'm just curious" -- and she really does seem "just curious," and not like she cares about the answer, or that Teresa might take offense. And thank God she steers the table's attention over to Jennifer's "roast" before the Danielle argument gets ugly. Between this and her husband's mock-threatening of a Pomeranian (I live with a Pom mix; I feel very seen), Team Gorga's making strong moves. And did I mention her perfect butt? [Last week: 2]
2. Jennifer. It's not the most…nurturing way to bring up Jackie's possible issues with food, but I don't think she means any harm, and I cringed when it came up in the roast, but if Jackie thought it was funny, what do I know. And that's the other thing: the impersonations? Are pretty good! I was positive this asinine roast would be, at best, a bore -- and at worst a cringefest we'd then have to see in flashback 591 times before season's end. I'm not going to call SNL to send out a scout or anything, but some of those bits were spot-on. [Last week: 3]
3. Margaret. She handles Jennifer's clumsy mention of Jackie not eating just the right way, saying she feels bad if Jackie's anxiety is "up" because of the flap with Dolores. She's not so deft when The Danielle Question -- specifically, whether Danielle and Marty started boning again, and if they did, whether Danielle only did it because she wants Marty to cave on the terms of the divorce, which state that she has to buy him out of their house, or leave -- arises at the dinner table, and she should probably just state once that she feels Danielle lies about everything, and leave it at that. If Teresa's not yet convinced of this, as almost every other sentient being on earth already is, it's a bad look to press the point. But...why is Margaret carrying Marty's lunch after all the shit he talked about her? [Last week: 1]
4. Dolores. When David came into his dinner with Frank smiling at the extreme fakery of it all, I had to smile too...but he's definitely that guy who's just fine with an S.O. who doesn't ask anything from him, and who's equally fine with letting her walk the minute he's asked to make an effort. With all of that said, again: who cares? If everyone's fine with how things are, can't Dolores just fight with Jackie as her storyline this season? ...Well, apparently not, because after venting with Teresa at the spa and then seeing how well Jackie takes her roasting by Jennifer, Dolores is moved to take back some of the mean stuff she'd said, and offer to go back to how things were. Also, her doggie stroller is so extra that it comes back around to amazing. [Last week: 6]
5. Jackie. She's a little graceless in accepting Dolores's olive branch, but no real objection. My primary feeling toward her this week is pity -- that her disordered eating is becoming a storyline, whether it's actually reasserting itself or not. ...Wait: it's tied with envy, because those strappy punk-studded white sandals are everything. [Last week: 4]
6. Teresa. Her loyalty to Danielle is really not wearing well at this point, but she's still the most relatable she's been in a while when Danielle calls her -- right after Margaret had called Marty to get the T -- and Teresa wails that she's in trouble. Her plaintive "I feel bad for her" is sincere, I think; no doubt Tree can relate to feeling that your life is more complicated than commentators like yours truly can understand. There is still something really off-putting about her sitting at the kitchen table and carefully folding a wing of her weave back into place with one manicured claw while the family lawyer explains to Joe Gorga and us how bad Joe Giudice's situation is...and at the same time, it's still heartbreaking to see Gia struggling with the literal years she's spent trying to fill adult spaces in her family. (And hilarious to see that college food is still terrible.) [Last week: 5]
7. Danielle. Fifteen seconds of Danielle on the phone is more than enough to remind me how relieved I am that she's gotten demoted to "friend of" this season. Margaret's right: Teresa's better off with Danielle hanging up on her. We all are. [Last week: n/a]
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Sarah D. Bunting co-founded Television Without Pity, and her work has appeared in Glamour and New York, and on MSNBC, NPR's Monkey See blog, MLB.com, and Yahoo!. She's also the editor-in-chief and publisher of Tomato Nation, and true-crime blog and podcast The Blotter Presents.